I have borderline personality disorder (BPD). AMA, please.

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How do people with borderline personality disorder react when a person they feel close to wants no contact after he/she was hurt by the borderline?

https://www.quora.com/How-do-people...ntact-after-he-she-was-hurt-by-the-borderline

By Alex Speranza (Scientist, Technologist)
Has treated this disorder with extreme care.

Answered May 20, 2015

You know what... This is a pretty soft subject for me so pardon any emotional content that may display during this short discourse.

People that have to live with this intense and galling disorder have it rough. They feel alone, helpless at times and experience things much differently than those that do not have this. Consequently, any final closing contact is like driving a stake through their already deeply-wounded hearts. It's one of the hardest things to do, you know, when you know that you cannot have any more contact with someone you simply cannot help and furthermore, are actually hurting and vice versa. It's a terrible and sad predicament for both people because for some people, we just at least want to help them. But alone we cannot. It's such an unfortunate disorder with a lot of complexities. The person suffering from it experiences the ultimate failure; it's like a never-ending series of emotional crashes that can trigger intense feelings that the individual may act out in a variety of ways to compensate for the loss. It's really sad. I do mean it: It's really sad. It adds to the damage that's already there; it adds to the emptiness; it adds (albeit temporarily for some) to the self-loathing. It adds to the never ending anthem of the One That Got Away. The separation represents the pinnacle of the fear of being alone; the feeling of being alone pervades an already-hurting child. It gets darker after that, not only for the person suffering from that disorder but also for the other person; the other person experiences a terrible depression that persists for months, years or even decades if that person truly cared for the person that suffered from that disorder. Both people lose. Both people have become toxic from one another; they may remain that way for a long time afterwards. People suffering from borderline disorder never really get a chance to close it up completely. The bottom line is that it hurts them deeply and the other person knows this. So it's not just the person with that disorder that experiences the isolation, hurt, sadness, guilt, maybe some remorse. Yes, I know the question is about what someone with borderline disorder would feel if... though I cannot answer this question completely without adding some extra stuff in there. The other thing is that things get really dark for the person. Like a wounded animal, the person may limp to someone else, appearing to move on quickly, though that never happens. The person may even slander the other in hopes of feeling better somehow, but that's not what happens either.

It's a deep, core-level disorder, the borderline disorder. It affects everything. It grazes everything. It twists and turns sideways reality for the person. It's a sad, terrible, unfortunate and misunderstood disorder that requires a substantial amount of intensive care to begin to unravel since it tends to be so treatment-resistant. These people aren't crazy; they have been dealt an unfortunate hand of cards and it's not fair. Some are born with this disorder. They never got to experience childhood in its normal state; their childhood is probably pock-marked with abuse and neglect and when parents paint misunderstanding over all of that, it sets up for a nasty childhood along with a potential lifetime of galling symptoms that no one can seem to explain.

For someone suffering from this disorder, the other person might as well have died suddenly and without reason.

I know all of this is pretty charged stuff. I know that not all people with this disorder will experience everything in exactly the same way. It's not the same for everyone, it's not as simple as a headcold, it's not as easy as a minor toothache. It's not as cut and dried as a papercut. It's so much more than that. It's got nothing to do with insanity. It's got everything to do with chromosome 9 and childhood. It's also one other thing among others: it's not fair. There's no real cure. The only one fix I do know is to physically go in there and alter that chromosome at a quantum level and we are a few miles away from that going mainstream. Until then, these people suffer, a lot of people go hurting longer, people around these people that have to live with this disorder have to sometimes make extremely difficult choices that they have to live with... forever, just as those that suffer from this disorder do.

I couldn't tell you exactly how someone with this disorder feels when the cord is cut. I can only speak as an outsider looking in to a sad world, filled with tears, storms and intense darkness. I can only speak as someone who has seen things that put lines on his face and scars on his heart. Though those scars have healed, the memory remains. The lessons are burned in like a tattoo on the soul. The faces appear from time to time. The sad faces... the faces that clearly show total emptiness and sometimes, anger and fear, loneliness and shame, isolation and resultant insanity from feeling so completely disconnected from you and me and everyone else we know. I'll never forget that. I hope to one day give a real response towards a real and permanent fix for this, someday, in the right time. I hope that whoever is reading this that may suffer from this disorder, this is the real thing, the real deal. This isn't some superficial glazing of this topic. This is real, unbridled understanding, not some emotionless 'bot writing this out. This is someone who understands this disorder at a very low level and hopes to fix it one day so that all who suffer from it can possibly enjoy a better shot at life. It's only fair.

I'm right there with you. You may not see me, you may not be able to talk to me, you may not like me, you may not understand me. You may not believe me. You may be totally repulsed at my answer here. You may be wondering 'why did he say that..' or maybe, something else, at first. But irregardless of how the dialogue goes, twisted by that disorder, I am still there, even if you cannot see me, hear me, or feel me. If you've made it this far, maybe you can go a little further, write one more sentence, affirm yourself one more time, feel one more good day at the beach, or the park, or wherever you go that makes you want to feel more at ease and less on edge. Know that I am here, wherever you go to let go, you are not alone. You are never alone. It's been a long time since you felt good on a regular schedule. Maybe today could be your day to experience life without the burden of this disorder. If it is, hold onto it. If it hasn't come, it will. If it's passed over, remember it. I wish you the best; if you choose to recover, know now that you will overcome. The choice is yours.

 

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With Borderline Personality Disorder, All It Takes Is 1 Minute

https://themighty.com/2016/04/borderline-personality-disorder-breakdowns-and-hope/

By Margaret Assany

April 29, 2016

All it took was one minute.

My manager had kindly given me suggestions to improve in the workplace. Until that conversation, I had been peppy and had been doing what I thought was a good job. Apparently, someone else hadn’t thought that and had spoken to my manager about it. She’d sat me down, told me what the problem was, and how to improve.

All composure had broken in one minute.

Over the course of that shift, I broke down sobbing, rocking myself in the corner of the bathroom, had thoughts of self-injury and lost hope for my future. I emailed my therapist and my depression turned to rage as I vented about how unjust the complaint was, how stupid my coworkers were for not seeing how good I was and how I should just quit. By the end of my shift, the depression had returned. I sat in my car and contemplated driving off the third floor of the parking garage. My life was a failure, I concluded. Everyone hated me.

It doesn’t take much for that wave of emotion to knock me to my knees. People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) have difficulty with managing emotions. Any bit of criticism or praise can set off a long chain that can bewilder even the most sympathetic person.

Keeping any sort of friendship is difficult for me. Finding — and keeping — my husband was no small miracle. Even now, I worry I’m not good enough for him. Relationship instability is another intense issue for anyone with BPD. I constantly have to check myself when I’m around people to make sure that I’m being socially appropriate. When I do make a connection with anyone, I cling hard to that person until it unnerves them. When they start to pull away, I panic, apologize and do whatever I can to keep myself close to them. I remember vividly when I was in high school, a girl telling me that my constant apologizing was a huge turn-off for her. Of course, just saying that is enough to unleash the tsunami of emotions. Needless to say, relationships are a very delicate balancing act.

The problems associated with BPD have kept my life turbulent. I’m covered in scars from years of self-injury. I have two separate sojourns at two separate hospitals under my belt. I’ve attempted suicide four times. I can count on one hand the amount of jobs I’ve kept longer than a year. I’ve had times I’ve been so depressed I failed out of class. Impulsiveness has led to reckless and sometimes unsavory behaviors; spending money, sex, lying.

Finding that oasis of stability has been so, so hard. The incident I opened this article with happened just last week. I’m fortunate to have a rock in my husband, my therapist and a community I’m still struggling to integrate myself into. I find that opening up to my professors and close friends about my mental illness helps them to understand why I sometimes react the way I do, or why I sometimes disappear from life for a while. Still, I don’t announce my illness to the world. I’m not ashamed I have BPD, and I’ll freely admit it to anyone who asks about my scars.

However, my BPD does not define me, nor will I try to use it as an excuse. Someday, through therapy and my own personal strength, I hope to be able to regulate my own emotions. It’s a lofty goal for someone like me.

But starting that goal only takes one minute.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Or head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

 

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https://themighty.com/2017/03/what-people-dont-tell-you-about-borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/

What People Don't Tell You About Living With Borderline Personality Disorder

By Megan Embleton

March 28, 2017

Whenever people mention borderline personality disorder (BPD) — or emotionally unstable personality disorder as it’s also known as — everyone automatically thinks of the negatives.

“Emotional instability,” “mood swings,” “impulsive,” “reckless,” “suicidal,” and even “criminal.” I believe this is all because of the way BPD has been portrayed in the media.

But what people don’t tell you is the positives that come with BPD. Even though sometimes I can be highly sensitive, I can sometimes read other people’s emotions really well – for example, I may know when someone is faking when they say “I’m fine.” Because of what I have been through in my past, and the way BPD is, I sometimes see the world in a way no one else does. I can be creative and imaginative. When it comes to hobbies, I can be passionate about them. Relationships and friendships mean the absolute world to me and I value them a lot.

Not everything about BPD is bad; there are a lot of positives that need more recognition.

 

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How does a person with borderline personality disorder behave?

https://www.quora.com/How-does-a-person-with-borderline-personality-disorder-behave

Natalie Engelbrecht, A psychotherapist who researches Abnormal Psychology and treats trauma

Answered Feb 19

How does a person with borderline personality disorder behave?

As BPD exists on a spectrum, people who have this personality adaptation, will exhibit the BPD traits to different degrees. How they act will depend on their intelligence, amount of counselling they have had and level of functioning.

They fear abandonment and behave in a way that is more ‘needy’ than a securely attached person. This manifests in different ways. They will constantly look for reassurance that you still love them. They will constantly fear that you will abandon them. They will question who you spent lunch with, did you talk to coworkers, etc.

They use splitting as a defence mechanism. They are unable to hold a view of themselves or others as having both good and bad traits. So they will adore you and feel close to you, until you do something to hurt them. The challenge is that for each of them what hurt is different. It depends on the messages they got as a child. An example I know is that a joke such as saying “I thought Buddhists are one with everything, not have one of everything” can result in some pretty extreme behaviour. For example, it can result in the person throwing away a lot of their own belongings, in order to retain a positive sense of themselves.

In relationships, people with BPD will see the other person as all good or all bad. Their mind does not allow them to hold an idea, that a good person can do bad things. Also as they lack object constancy, when they are away from you, they can no longer recall your face to memory. Out of sight out of mind.

Often when a partner goes on a business trip, they feel triggered and their partner becomes all bad in their mind, which results in stress in the relationship while apart and once back together.

They tend to neglect the people who really care for them, as people who are real, have ups and downs, good days and bad days and are unable to give another person 24 hours of undimmed attention. So they often get involved with narcissists who love bomb them, and then repeat the patterns of their childhood.

If they feel threatened that they are going to be abandoned, they feel like they may want to die, and contemplate or threaten suicide. Alternatively they may choose to use techniques to suppress their feelings like drinking, smoking, cutting etc.

 

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National Suicide Prevention 1300 22 4636
It's Ok Not To Be Ok

 

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