I have borderline personality disorder (BPD). AMA, please.

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What are some of the most common mistakes people make when dealing with someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD)?

Source

Written by: Taylor Beckett

The most common mistakes people make with Cluster B people in general is thinking that if you treat them like a non-disordered person, they will respond as a non-disordered person. “If I love them enough, they will realize I won’t hurt them”. They are disordered. Love doesn’t fix that. “If I give in on this, they will stop acting like that”. They are disordered. You will never compromise enough. They will always need more. Because the issue wasn’t really your action or words - it is an internal wound they need to heal and they need professional help to do that. Nothing you do will ever be enough. “In time, they will see they can trust me”. Time doesn’t heal disordered thought processes. Therapy does.

So the biggest mistake you can make is staying with someone who is disordered and not in therapy to fix it. You are wasting your time and hurting yourself. They need to do the work to get well and like all of us, they are best to be single until they get their symptoms managed. It isn’t your job to fix and save people. News flash - you can’t. So step out of the saviour role and find a partner that is ready to be a partner. Your life will blossom if you do that.
 
Why do people with borderline personality disorder have a hard time with criticism even if it's constructive criticism?


By Joe Adkins (has loved ones with Borderline personality disorder)

Updated Mar 13

During my time around a borderline personality type, I have learned that you cannot criticize a person with the disorder. Even when you are not criticizing a person with Bpd, you often times feel like you have to watch what you say and it's because you do have to watch what you say to a person wth BPD.

Often times, a simple comment can lead to a heated argument where both sides are left battered and confused, and this is typically where a divide begins to occur in a relationship. A person with bod feels betrayed and crucified and the other person feels like they can't open there mouth in fear of something they say may lead to a verbal tongue lashing that can leave you feeling wounded and battered.

One of the things a person can do is to understand this dynamic and what it does to a relationship. Instead of looking at comments as criticism try looking at it like Lebron James looks at it, as a way to learn and get better.

The greatest basketball player of all time hires people to do nothing but critique his game. Why? Because he wants to be the best basketball player ever. He could say I'm Lebron James. I'm not listening to criticism. But Lebron actually pays big money to be criticized and critiqued.

I think we could all benefit from changing our mindsets and the way we perceive things. Many times, we're not being criticized because someone is trying to harm us, but because they want you to be the best you can be. I think this is the biggest challenge for family and friends or anyone who is in any type of relationship with a person with Bpd.

It sucks to feel like you hurt a person's feelings and have no clue how you did it. This is typically when the relationship begins to decline until it's over. No one likes to feel like they are hurting anyone but especially when they don't have a clue. That is the mindf*ck that borderline personality disorder causes. it's why people feel such hurt that people on the other side feel. it's tough. Really tough.

Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) often struggle with intense emotional dysregulation and a fear of abandonment. As a result, they may be more sensitive to criticism and may react strongly to perceived criticism or rejection from others.

This sensitivity to criticism may be related to a heightened fear of abandonment or rejection. Individuals with BPD may interpret criticism as a sign that they are not valued or loved, which can trigger intense emotional reactions and lead to impulsive or self-destructive behaviors.

It's important to note that this sensitivity to criticism is a symptom of BPD, and is not a personal failing or character flaw. With proper treatment and support, individuals with BPD can learn to manage their emotional reactions and develop healthier coping strategies.

If you are in a relationship with someone who has BPD and are struggling to communicate effectively, seeking professional help from a mental health provider can be beneficial. They can help you understand the dynamics of the relationship and provide strategies for managing conflicts and improving communication.
 

Uber Eagle 72

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Premium Member
Geat to see this in a footy forum. This thread is a very informative read. I guess to some degree we all have a little of this in us. It is so valuable to understand some of us struggle more than others with managing emotions etc. This awareness is invaluable.
 
Question:

"I spoke with someone last year who understands this kinda thing. I feel, since then, I've learned a whole lot more about how to deal with the situation of my wife in particular, but other members of her family too, who show signs of BPD.

My biggest question, the thing I'm completely stumped upon, is: How do people with BPD come to realise they have BPD, and therefore can then seek help?
I ask here, as you have clearly 'seen the light', so can hopefully pass on some kind of personal experience into how that happened for you.

Unfortunately one of the key signs that I see first-hand very much up-close, is the 'People with BPD don't generally see that they have a problem (ie: BPD)'. If it was denial, then reasoning can help them see themselves from others points of view. But reasoning and logic go out the window (in my experience and also from a lot of what I've read) when it comes to this condition, and generally leads to tension / disagreements.

Anyway, any personal insight you can share would be GREATLY appreciated.

At the moment, things generally are pretty good, but I have to say, that's mostly down to me having learned to adapt to the situation a helluva lot better than I did 2yrs ago. It is mentally tiring having to be alert 24/7 of everything going on around her and watching very carefully what I say/do 100% of the time. But it keeps the peace, so that's a nice feeling."


Answer:

Good questions.

Yeah, in my opinion, it's just that awareness or who you are and what you are doing. And why? How you are making other people around you feel as well, especially the ones you care about. Are people walking on eggshells around me? Am I thinking irrationally or neurotically? Do I like the person that I see when I look into the mirror each morning? Who am I and what do my actions say about me as a person?

For me it took a complete mental breakdown, losing connection with some of my family and most of my friends, 5-10 years of slowly building myself mentally back up, sobering up, learning to like things about life and myself again, detaching from certain people that I was clinging to and accepting that other people were not at fault for the situation I was in. Or doing the wrong things. They were just trying to live a happy and peaceful lives. Couldn't understand that at the time. Thought everything was about me and what I wanted.

It's taken a lot of energy and time for me to accept that there were some major errors of judgment on my part along the way. And to take responsibility for that and not blame it on other people. Or expect other people to be there for me and validate my existence. That is not cool or fair on them. You can't expect people to be everything for you everyday. You have to make the choice not to give the power of your life away like that.

Learning to separate my sense of self from my actions, behaviors and feelings was very difficult. Especially when I was in the heat of the moment and not thinking rationally. Now I can look back on who I was and say that I was absolutely toxic back then. And a chore to be around. Wouldn't associate with someone like that today, if given the choice. I've learned from how I used to treat people and who I used to be. Have much healthier and pleasant relationships with friends and people in general today.

Hope that makes sense and answers your question.
 

Question: How can I control the BPD rage once I start to feel it coming on? My relationship is suffering badly because of my crazy mind. What’s the best help/treatment out there? Am I even salvageable?

Answer by GP (Discouraged Borderline):

We have a safe word in my house. It's one word that everyone knows the meaning.

It's "carrot".

When I say carrot everyone knows to scatter.

I will come find them once I've calmed down.

We made it an ambiguous word so I can say it in public without making a scene.

Yes, I used to frequently cause public scenes.

Not my proudest moments.

It's been some time since I've had to use it.

Everybody is salvageable.

Just because you have some extra struggles doesn't make you less of a person.

Take care of you too. ❤️
 

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