Captain Moondog
Absolute Superstar
The Complete Military History of France
- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, .
- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost. Saved at last moment by schizophrenic teenage girl, who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars to the Italians.
- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- The Dutch War - Tied
- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost.
- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the Allies
- World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by Allies just as they were learning Deutschland Uber Alles.
- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French.
- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.