Light Reading: Some Lists

[Narcissus]

I just found a few 'Lists' that I found funny: we all know who Mr. T and Chuck Norris are. The final list was for an American football player named Tim Tebow: feel free to substitute it for your own sports hero (in this instance, I used our favourite Silvertails.net Head Admin for a chuckle).

I'll put them in their own replies to help with the reading... enjoy, and happy New Year.

 

[Narcissus]

Mr. T

- The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.

- Children are afraid of the dark. Dark is afraid of Mr. T.

- Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

- Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar, they travelled to the only safe place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang.

- Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.

- Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

- Mr. T doesn't breathe, air just hides in his lungs for protection.

- When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.

- Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. The result was the 80's.

- Human females have two X chromosomes. Males have an X and a Y. Mr. T has three Ys and a T. He's more man than you'll ever be.

- Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you."

- Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.

- Ever have a sharp pain in your chest that you can't explain? That was Mr. T, and it was a warning.

- Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

- Mr. T wasn't born, he shed a woman.

- Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time.

- Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

- Mr. T always drives on the right side of the road, no matter where he is in the world.

- 23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

- Mr. T once stared at a woman for three seconds. She instantly became pregnant.

- Mr. T recently went on Fear Factor. Not as a guest, but as an obstacle. Apparently the contestents had to stare at Mr. T's bling for at least 1 second. The show was cancelled due to lack of participation.

- On the A-team, Face, Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.

- Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is too afraid to shine on him.

- Contrary to popular belief, the ancient world knew of 5 elements, not 4. They were earth, air, fire, water and pity. Mr. T invented them all.

- Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

- In Rocky III, there is a scene where Mr. T invites Adrian, played by Talia Shire, to come over to his apartment "to see what a real man is like". This scene had to be shot an astounding 137 times due to the fact that Shire kept repeatedly tearing her clothes off, jumping on Mr. T, and begging for "the chocolate sauce".

- Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

- Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.

- Gravity dosen't exist. Mr. T just pities everything to stay the f-ck down. Birds and planes are exempt beacuse they are shaped like Ts.

- There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.

 

[Narcissus]

Chuck Norris

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "****ing."

12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f-ck down.

20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's sh1t.

30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

 

[Narcissus]

Daniel

-- Daniel's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

-- Daniel does not sleep. He waits.

-- Daniel does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Daniel goes killing.

-- Daniel sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Daniel roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

-- Daniel built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Daniel stopped all three bullets with his stare, but JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement

-- Daniel never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

-- The chief export of Daniel is pain.

-- A blind man once stepped on Daniel's shoe. Daniel said, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Daniel!" The mere mention of his name cured this man's blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Daniel.

-- To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Daniel smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

-- A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Daniel and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

-- If you can see Daniel, he can see you. If you can't see Daniel you may be only seconds away from death.

-- The term "carnivore" was invented after Daniel was spotted at a carnival eating babies.

-- The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Daniel has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

-- Daniel frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

-- Daniel once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

-- Daniel is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian.

-- The quickest way to a man's heart is with Daniel's fist.

-- When Daniel was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Daniel received an "A+" for writing only the words "Daniel" and promptly turning in the paper.

-- Daniel is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Daniel

-- Daniel owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

 

[Canteen Worker]

It was funny till you got to the Daniel bit - that is so far fetched it isn't funny. If it was about pink shirts and $150 haircuts it may have worked but .......

 

[Narcissus]

Yeah fair call... maybe I should have made that list, 'Daniel, as he sees himself...'

I still love ya Dan

Happy New Year everyone. The fireworks were impressive: much better than the snowstorm we're expecting

 

[Canteen Worker]

Where are you Narc? I was in Nebraska a few days ago and it had a foot of snow, blizzards and was minus 29 C compared to 43 degrees celcius today in Sydney.

 

[Dan]

Narc is in Charlottetown Canada!

I know it was just a joke.
Man I had a top new years.....Dancing on the podium all night at the shellbourne.......man I need some sleep though!

 

[Canteen Worker]

Good on you Dan. Enjoy your youth while you still have it. :yeah:

 

[Dan]

mate I feel old now. 2.5 hours sleep then i ad to drive out to liverpool and back! ouch!

 

[Canteen Worker]

It must have been love!!! Why else did you drive to Liverpool??? And in this heat. I hope you car has good air conditioning!!!

 

[Dan]

course it does!

 

[clontaago]

At least you didnt get lost in Mosman. I walked around for about an hour!!!

 

[Dan]

lol.....Linda and I were just like "How did he get lost, he knows the address. Then after a little while we fell asleep and didnt even hear you get in.

 

[Fluffy]

Man I had a top new years.....Dancing on the podium all night at the shellbourne.......man I need some sleep though!

Up on the podium??

was it a gay bar or did they mistake you for a chick

 

[Dan]

mate, my girl dragged me up there, and god damn, when she asks you to pose with her, you pose!

Even chicks asked her if she was interested in them!

 

[Dan]

oh and being a well rounded individual you may not be confident enough to be up there!

 

[clontaago]

How funny was that when that chick hit on Linda!! GOLD

 

[Dan]

That was hilarious man, you and Mike were loving it, I had to pretend like I wasn't

 

[Fluffy]

Sounds like your getting over excited when a chick hits on your girly

dont worry, youll get used to it