Bill Bryson had something to say about the Dutch language....
...the odd thing is that when you hear Dutch people speaking to each other they hardly hack at all. In fact, the language sounds like nothing so much as a peculiar version of English.
"We would be walking down the street when a stranger would step from the shadows and say, 'Hello, sailors, care to grease my flanks?' or something, and all he would want was a light for his cigarette. It was disconcerting. I found this again now when I presented myself at a small hotel on the Prinsengracht and asked the kind-faced proprietor if he had a single room. 'Oh, I don't believe so,' he said, 'but let me check with my wife.' He thrust his head through a doorway of beaded curtains and called, 'Marta, what stirs in your leggings? Are you most moist?'
"From the back a voice bellowed, 'No, but I tingle when I squirt.'
"'Are you of assorted odours?'
"'Yes, of beans and sputum.'
"'And what of your pits - do they exude sweetness?'
"'Truly.'
"'Shall I suckle them at eventide?'
"'Most heartily!'
"He returned to me wearing a sad look. 'I'm sorry, I thought there might have been a cancellation, but unfortunately not.'"