MadMarcus
Toovey for NRL CEO
Tomorrow's news...
Manly's secret agent connections help avoid positive drug tests
The mystery surrounding the Manly Sea Eagles and their drug problem has deepened further today. [Insert cr@p newspaper here] has exclusively discovered an extraordinary connection between the allegedly drug loaded Sea Eagles and the CIA and KGB which is possibly the only explanation for why no Manly player has tested positive to drugs, despite so much reliable and trustworthy media speculation confirming that they are all taking drugs.
[Insert cr@p newspaper here] has discovered that the alleged male alleged nurse who has been allegedly injecting Manly players with allegedly illegal alleged drugs is none other than Gaylord Focker, a male nurse with secret connections to the CIA through his father-in-law Jack Byrnes.
Manly also have an undeniably strong connection to the KGB because its major sponsor, Kaspersky, is based in Russia.
It is clear from these connections that the CIA and the KGB have been co-operating for several years to develop a super masking agent, so that Manly players could take as many performance enhancing drugs as they pleased without fear of a positive test.
[Insert cr@p newspaper here] has also heard allegations that Al Queda are involved, but we are unable to think up a reason to link them to this story at this point in time. We will update this article as soon as we have thought of one, hopefully involving allegations of money laundering for the purposes of terrorism and breaching the salary cap.
[Insert cr@p newspaper here] does not allege that any Manly players have taken banned substances, but we hope our readers can form that view on their own based on our misleading headlines and weak gossip columns presented as news.
Manly's secret agent connections help avoid positive drug tests
The mystery surrounding the Manly Sea Eagles and their drug problem has deepened further today. [Insert cr@p newspaper here] has exclusively discovered an extraordinary connection between the allegedly drug loaded Sea Eagles and the CIA and KGB which is possibly the only explanation for why no Manly player has tested positive to drugs, despite so much reliable and trustworthy media speculation confirming that they are all taking drugs.
[Insert cr@p newspaper here] has discovered that the alleged male alleged nurse who has been allegedly injecting Manly players with allegedly illegal alleged drugs is none other than Gaylord Focker, a male nurse with secret connections to the CIA through his father-in-law Jack Byrnes.
Manly also have an undeniably strong connection to the KGB because its major sponsor, Kaspersky, is based in Russia.
It is clear from these connections that the CIA and the KGB have been co-operating for several years to develop a super masking agent, so that Manly players could take as many performance enhancing drugs as they pleased without fear of a positive test.
[Insert cr@p newspaper here] has also heard allegations that Al Queda are involved, but we are unable to think up a reason to link them to this story at this point in time. We will update this article as soon as we have thought of one, hopefully involving allegations of money laundering for the purposes of terrorism and breaching the salary cap.
[Insert cr@p newspaper here] does not allege that any Manly players have taken banned substances, but we hope our readers can form that view on their own based on our misleading headlines and weak gossip columns presented as news.