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ManlyBacker

Winging it
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.
 

Chip and Chase

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A man was fishing. He began his outing with a 25kg Kingfish on the first drop and a 20 lb snapper on the second.
On the third drop he had just scored his first ever King Terakihi When his mobile rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving, what was shaping up to be, his best ever fishing trip. He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital.

He ended up catching several personal bests, and all in all, had his best days fishing by far. He was jubilant....
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept Fishing didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last!"

"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "Just ****ing with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"
 

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