Monday Joke, one of the best ive heard in a while.

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First Grader
Only rarely does a joke of this calibre come along!

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house". The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman,"what from".

After a short pause. The rabbit said...

V nice :clap: :clap:

That will definately do the rounds in the Hewes family tonight :)
Fro, the reply emails I have received so far:

- That was a very lame lame joke!!

- Man you should be hung for sending that stuff, its as bad as your last shot of the day on Friday

- Give yourself a slap for that one!!!!!
Clon the best jokes generally are lame.

LEt me know when one reaches your lofty standards ;)
i definately think it was up there with the ****zu joke!

"I went to a zoo the other day, they only had a dog there. It was a ****zu!"

That is the best on I have heard in a long time closely followed by
"there are 2 cows in a paddock, one raises its head and says 'moo' the other one looked at him and said '**** I was going to say that'

then this rabbit joke a close 3rd.

I can see Linda rolling her eyes already
I still like this one:

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
I don't care what anyone says, I still think this is the funniest lame joke going:

A piece of string walks in to a bar and asks for a beer.
"Get out of here, " says the barman, "we don't serve string here."
So the piece of string walks out, but he's aching for a drink. He walks down the side alley and bends himself and twists himself, then ruffles his hair.
He walks back in to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Hey, " says the barman, "aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out?"
Says the piece of string: "No, I'm a frayed knot".
A pair of jumper leads walks into a bar,

"I'll have a beer thanks bartender"

the barman looks him up and down and says

"I'll serve you for now, but dont start anything"
Two nuns riding their bikes along a cobblestone road in the south of France -one turns to the other and says,
"I've never come this way before."
to which the other replied,
"It must be the cobblestones!"
Two sausages are sitting in a fry pan - the first one rolls over and says" jeez its hot in here"

The second one replies "**** me, a talking sausage"

A guy walks into the bar, pulls out an 11 inch tall man and a tiny piano. The many starts playing away quickly grabbing the bartenders attention.
The bartender says
"where did you get that?"
To which the man replies
"from the genie in this lamp."
The bar tender grabs the lamp and begins to rub and out pops a genie.
"You have one wish"
The bartender says
"I wish for a million bucks"
The next thing you know there are ducks everywhere in the bar - feathers are flying and the noise is defening.
The bartender yells and the man
"whats all this? I wish for a million bucks and all i can see are ducks everywhere"
The man camly replies
"Do you really think i would wish for an 11 inch Pianist"
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.

Johnny looked up and replied: "Well, Ms. Smith, you cant say you weren't warned!"

37 pick up lines (the harsher the better)

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.
2. Nice legs...what time do they open?
3. Do you work for Australia Post? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?
8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Kmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
15. Are those real?
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
22. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?
23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?
33. Baby, I'm an American Express shouldn't go home without me.
34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

There's a few old ones in there but might be some you haven't heard.... i like 19
Not a bad joke for an Oldie. Heard that about 10 years ago. This one is good.

A high school teacher starts a new job at a school in Bankstown and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Bulldogs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Bulldogs fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Bulldogs fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Bulldogs fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Raiders fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Raiders fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from Canberra, and my mum is a Raiders fan and my dad is a Raiders fan, so I'm a Raiders fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Raiders fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict and your brother was car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Bulldogs fan."

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