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I have borderline personality disorder (BPD). AMA, please.

patorick2010

Mr BPD
Joined
Jul 28, 2010
Messages
778
How me is feeling today

By Pat Flynn (7/9/2019, 3:38pm)

It's been a while since I sat in this chair, typed up a blog and published it on this page. So here goes.

My name is Pat Flynn. Tomorrow I'm turning 36. And my life has never been busier. I work 9am-5pm at a law firm. I am the coordinator for Embrace Mental Health Meetups Wagga Wagga (started attending in January 2017, made coordinator August 2018). I do the social media and graphic design for Embrace and Potowa Buddhist Group. I also play indoor and outdoor soccer. Indoor for Embrace (we have two teams). Outdoor for South Wagga and Unity FC. I also practice Yoga and meditation. I also sell Lego and Transformers on eBay (and have done since 2011). In 2007 I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). In 2016 I was diagnosed with an an autoimmune disease called Lupus. Since 2007 I have been sober from drugs and alcohol.

MMG. A few months ago a new Mental Health group in town started called the Murrumbidgee Men's Group. As the name suggests it is a mental health support group just for men. It has been founded by Rhys Cummins and Jesse Warren-Rigby. It's a comprehension issue for me (just like with Darren Sweeney and Kate Wall of Walk n Talk Wagga Wagga, another blog for another day). Part of me just does not understand why they would start a mental health support group without attending or becoming a part of one that is already in existence. This is not my journey though, it is theirs and I wish them well. Just because I'm the coordinator of a local mental health support that does not give me the privilege for people like this to consult me. It is their life, their time and their energy and they have every right to do whatever makes them happy. It would be very nice if they acknowledged Embrace but they do not have too and that is OK. They do not see me as a peer, they see me as just another person. This is out of my control and I have to accept that. The media coverage has frustrated me a bit too. What is the difference between Murrumbidgee Men's Group and Embrace? What is the difference between Walk n Talk and Embrace? That is just my perception though.

Burlesque. Similar issue here. At some point last year I offered my services to be MC for Burlesque Wagga Wagga. This was declined. What can I do to help? Just promote our events on social media and leave us alone please. That was the extent of our communication. So tonight two of my friends are performing and with my tail between my legs I'm sitting in the crowd to support them. With my ego in check and knowing what my place is. Similar issue as above, the people in charge of Burlesque do not see me as a peer or a friend. They have a certain perception of who I am and that is OK.

Tinder. Hello rejection. A few months ago I'm having lunch with an ex and she mentions that she found someone on Tinder. A thought immediately pops into my head. Since then it's been a lot of rejection. Not very many matches. A lot of people not replying. And a lot of people contacting me from overseas.

Embrace The Rock 2: Inclusion. Speaking of not replying. This is the second year that I've organized this event and I've been overwhelmed by the numbers of people wanting to help out and volunteer their time to help out. I'm looking at the poster now and their are over thirteen different community groups and organizations that are coming together for the day (plus a couple of extras who have come one board after the posters were printed) to promote inclusion, peace, harmony, unity and tolerance in our community. Reducing the negative stigma towards mental health, but also bringing together different people and celebrating what unites us. We are all sentient beings deserving peace, love and understanding. Embrace is not about public relations or marketing. We are real people embracing the reality of life peacefully and respectfully together in unity. We are not raising money for charity or a foundation. We are raising awareness for Embrace, The Rock and all the different community groups involved.

So yeah that is me and how I'm feeling today. Between Embrace, me, my BPD and life in general. I'm grateful for the privileged life that I get to live. Every day is a blessing.

Thank you for reading.

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Pat.
patorick@bigpond.com
http://stores.ebay.com.au/patorick
http://forums.leagueunlimited.com/threads/i-have-borderline-personality-disorder-bpd-ama.461654/
https://silvertails.net/threads/i-have-borderline-personality-disorder-bpd-ama-please.51172/
https://www.facebook.com/patorick.flynn.1
 

MuzztheEagle

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Messages
1,540
How me is feeling today

By Pat Flynn (7/9/2019, 3:38pm)

It's been a while since I sat in this chair, typed up a blog and published it on this page. So here goes.

My name is Pat Flynn. Tomorrow I'm turning 36. And my life has never been busier. I work 9am-5pm at a law firm. I am the coordinator for Embrace Mental Health Meetups Wagga Wagga (started attending in January 2017, made coordinator August 2018). I do the social media and graphic design for Embrace and Potowa Buddhist Group. I also play indoor and outdoor soccer. Indoor for Embrace (we have two teams). Outdoor for South Wagga and Unity FC. I also practice Yoga and meditation. I also sell Lego and Transformers on eBay (and have done since 2011). In 2007 I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). In 2016 I was diagnosed with an an autoimmune disease called Lupus. Since 2007 I have been sober from drugs and alcohol.

MMG. A few months ago a new Mental Health group in town started called the Murrumbidgee Men's Group. As the name suggests it is a mental health support group just for men. It has been founded by Rhys Cummins and Jesse Warren-Rigby. It's a comprehension issue for me (just like with Darren Sweeney and Kate Wall of Walk n Talk Wagga Wagga, another blog for another day). Part of me just does not understand why they would start a mental health support group without attending or becoming a part of one that is already in existence. This is not my journey though, it is theirs and I wish them well. Just because I'm the coordinator of a local mental health support that does not give me the privilege for people like this to consult me. It is their life, their time and their energy and they have every right to do whatever makes them happy. It would be very nice if they acknowledged Embrace but they do not have too and that is OK. They do not see me as a peer, they see me as just another person. This is out of my control and I have to accept that. The media coverage has frustrated me a bit too. What is the difference between Murrumbidgee Men's Group and Embrace? What is the difference between Walk n Talk and Embrace? That is just my perception though.

Burlesque. Similar issue here. At some point last year I offered my services to be MC for Burlesque Wagga Wagga. This was declined. What can I do to help? Just promote our events on social media and leave us alone please. That was the extent of our communication. So tonight two of my friends are performing and with my tail between my legs I'm sitting in the crowd to support them. With my ego in check and knowing what my place is. Similar issue as above, the people in charge of Burlesque do not see me as a peer or a friend. They have a certain perception of who I am and that is OK.

Tinder. Hello rejection. A few months ago I'm having lunch with an ex and she mentions that she found someone on Tinder. A thought immediately pops into my head. Since then it's been a lot of rejection. Not very many matches. A lot of people not replying. And a lot of people contacting me from overseas.

Embrace The Rock 2: Inclusion. Speaking of not replying. This is the second year that I've organized this event and I've been overwhelmed by the numbers of people wanting to help out and volunteer their time to help out. I'm looking at the poster now and their are over thirteen different community groups and organizations that are coming together for the day (plus a couple of extras who have come one board after the posters were printed) to promote inclusion, peace, harmony, unity and tolerance in our community. Reducing the negative stigma towards mental health, but also bringing together different people and celebrating what unites us. We are all sentient beings deserving peace, love and understanding. Embrace is not about public relations or marketing. We are real people embracing the reality of life peacefully and respectfully together in unity. We are not raising money for charity or a foundation. We are raising awareness for Embrace, The Rock and all the different community groups involved.

So yeah that is me and how I'm feeling today. Between Embrace, me, my BPD and life in general. I'm grateful for the privileged life that I get to live. Every day is a blessing.

Thank you for reading.

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Pat.
patorick@bigpond.com
http://stores.ebay.com.au/patorick
http://forums.leagueunlimited.com/threads/i-have-borderline-personality-disorder-bpd-ama.461654/
https://silvertails.net/threads/i-have-borderline-personality-disorder-bpd-ama-please.51172/
https://www.facebook.com/patorick.flynn.1
Hey Pat,
Thanks for sharing.
I'm not an expert on BPD, counselling or anything mental health related but your post really reminded me of relationships I have had in the past with people who (for a variety of reasons and possibly including BPD) could only see things in black and white. I think there must be a lot of positive things happening for you, but your post focussed heavily on the things that didn't work exactly as you had planned or wanted. Hoping this doesn't come of as judgemental or preachy or that I'm a know it all - just hoping to gain a better understanding of a different viewpoint and I think the best way to do that is by sharing ideas and talking more :)

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-splitting-425210
 

Chip and Chase

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How did your soccer go this season Pat ?? What position do you play ??
 

patorick2010

Mr BPD
Joined
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Messages
778
What kind of partner is best for someone with borderline personality disorder?

What kind of partner is best for someone with borderline personality disorder? - Quora

Answered by Sam Kerr 8/2/2020

I have been in a relationship with a partner that has BPD and from that experience continued to learn how to make that relationship work so both parties feel heard, understood, validated and valued. This is what I have learned and continue to learn:

Number 1: A partner who is aware of their partnerโ€™s BPD.
If they are not aware, they cannot understand fully and you and your partner will go around in circles. Both of your emotional supply will be depleted and it will only grow you further apart.

Number 2: Open communication and trust.
I find in this type of relationship dynamic, open communication is essential. An open forum built with a solid footing of trust between both parties is important so the person with BPD feels like they are not being judged for having feelings that are natural to them. This can also be said for the partner w/o BPD. They have feelings that are unnatural to the person with BPD as well. These differing emotions and feelings can easily be tossed aside by other party, creating distance and resentment. No emotion is too small to be communicated. This makes the space smaller and creates a strong secure space of trust between partners.

Number 3: Patience.
This is for both parties. I was guilty of taking everything personally that was directed toward me from my partner. I was too inside myself to understand the bigger picture. I would go on defense mode, feeling as though I was being attacked for having good intentions. Instead of being patient and actually hearing what my partner was saying, I would go on hardcore D-FENSE, protecting my pride and ego with every response. This is counterproductive and will only escalate the situation. Listen with love, but also set a boundary. If the argument begins to switch and sound harsh or on the lines of abusive, a boundary must be set. If the boundary is not set, it will only enable the partner with BPD and you wonโ€™t helping anyone. In fact, you will be damaging the progress you both are making.

An example of a boundary in this situation would be: Explaining to your partner with BPD that you need X minutes of space away to collect your thoughts and calm down. Ensure you are in the house or just going for a walk around the block. You donโ€™t want to make them feel abandoned, but you also need to set a boundary that the behavior toward you is not ok and hurtful. Explain softly, but firmly that you want the conversation to continue, but only when you have a calm and rational state of mind. The partner with BPD has to accept this moment of space from the partner. The partner should let their partner with BPD know in a caring way, I need X amount of time to recharge, but I promise you we will continue our conversation because it is important for both of us to be on the same page.

This really is a collective effort for both the pwbpd and their partner.

Number 4: Validation.
When you see and feel your partner trying and putting in the work until their eyes grow tired and they have grown weak from being their heads 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, acknowledge the work they are doing. Acknowledge their accomplishments, big or small. This is really the same as any other healthy relationship. However, there are always boundaries on the amount of praise and validation. A pwbpd will require more validation. Provide that for them, but in a healthy way. Always ensure you communicate if your needs are not being met and look for ways together to ensure the support stays in balance. Always take care of yourself as well. If you are not healthy, your relationship will reflect that.

Those, in my experience, are the most essential. At the time, I did not know about the BPD. I made a lot of mistakes. Being educated and putting love first before any ignorant negative stigmas is what sets the stage for an amazing type of shared intimacy, trust and companionship that follows.

If you love this person with all of your heart and they love you with all of theirs, it is a choice you both make. You leave, or you do the work together and both stay. Yes, your partner has BPD; So what? If you see value in this person and feel the love and see a life to build together, you both communicate and decide on an action plan. When someone gets triggered, it is an equal effort to work together and communicate through those times. A partner can not enable or try and fix the problem for the person BPD (this was my mistake early on). However, it is their responsibility to stay aware and do what is best for that moment without enabling. Each situation will be different and could look like drawing a boundary, listening and hearing what they are saying, not being dismissive, remaining patient and understanding and non-judgmental. Pretty much what everyone wants and needs in a healthy relationship. In this type of relationship you just have to be more aware and patient.

This has been learned by me, because I want nothing more than to understand what my partner is going through. In learning about BPD, I also learned how much I needed to focus and strengthen my relationship skills and work to eliminate some past traits of codependency I had lingering. I wanted two things: to grow as an individual and educate myself and learn to be a better partner for the one I love the most.

Take care.
 

Ryan

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Messages
18,804
Hey @patorick2010 , hope you are well mate. Apologies for the length of this post. I've decided to do this publicly, not because I want attention or sympathy, but because I really think people should "talk, speak and open up" about their problems. I have ummed, and arred about positing this publicly.

Reach out, peoples. Hopefully y'all find that someone special that listens and cares :h:

Firstly, want to thank you for your post(s). They really hit home, and somewhat gave me direction with what I have been feeling the past half a decade or so.

I guess it started with me as a small young child, being flipped from my parents (where my Dad would beat me senseless), to them getting rid of me, then to my Aunt's, (where my uncle used to strangle me and hate me for being forced into his life) - until they got rid of me, back to my mothers (parents divorced by then, where her partner disliked me and beat me), until they dumped me, back to my fathers (who then attempted to beat me - by this time I was 16, and could fight back), and his wife hated me (she admitted this on the phone just the other day to a third party).

There's so many gory stories, physically, sexually, everything that I wouldn't even dare to write from both embarrassment and shame that these things happened to me. No-one knows.

I was then booted out on the street, when I was 17.

I met the love of my life about that age (very young). She has been my rock, and a good woman since the day we met (although been in hospital recently with some serious ovarian issues).

In the past 3-4 years now, my mother (brain aneurysm), brother (motorbike accident), dad (cancer), mother-in-law (cancer) have all died, and my father-in-law now had a concurrent stroke and heart attack, leaving him, well...a husk really (and I really looked up to him). When my missus Mum passed away those years ago, she got depression (they were super close), and she kind of clocked out of the relationship with me. She loves me, but no desire, or much affection - which I understand, now she's full time carer for her Dad. I know it's so damned selfish of me for wanting validation, to be desired, a sense of worth, some passion, some reassurance. I'm a man, and need to toughen up, I know.

It was at this time, my work in the finance sector turned very sour, but I'll leave that one be.

A lot of my friends became super busy, and weren't able, or wouldn't / couldn't be there for me (we all have our own lives and routines, yeah?), so I felt completely abandoned, isolated, alone, and worthless (my current state) - thank God I have an amazing job now.

I am completely ashamed to say I reached out on social media to people I shouldn't, for companionship, and my wife found out, but has somewhat forgiven me. These people I met (or interacted with), lured me in, then once again, abandoned, rejected and treated me like I was nothing. I think it was this trigger that made me finally snap. This really, really hurt me more than anything, but I don't know why.

This lead to me into attempting to commit suicide at the back end of 2019, but unfortunately, the exercise band broke (unsure if that's good or bad @:p). I didn't threaten to do it, I dind't tell anyone or plan it, I just tried. Ive told a few people since, but I don't think they either cared, or maybe thought I was lying.

My then workplace (at that time - I've since left) gave me zero support really, and almost made it worse for me.

I'm now at a point, where I don't speak to anyone, interact with anyone, because I'm not sure I have anyone, plus, I don't want to be in a position to be able to be abandoned and / or rejected anyway. My fear of it, is overwhelming. The thought of getting in a debate, or argument here for example, fills me with complete anxiety.

I've completely changed the way I look (very fit and muscular now), hoping that I'd maybe be more accepted, desired by my loved ones (and others I guess).

I wake up in the morning, and I feel a hard, deep, hot emotion like a damned knife immediately hit my chest of complete emptiness. It's to the point of physically hurting.

Then, I become so explosive personality wise at the most trivial and menial crap at the wrong people, then have the worse sense of guilt afterwards.

I spoke to a counselor, you'll probably actually find this funny, but she admitted she didn't have the tools to deal with me, promised me a referral to a friend, then completely abandoned me, and never spoke to me again ! Hehehe. Aaaah well, story of my life, eh?

I'm prone to spontaneously crying these days, then 5 minutes later being cool. Hahaha, I cried when farking Manly lost last weekend @:oops:

But thank you mate, thanks for reaching out, being vulnerable, and maybe giving me some insight into what actually may be wrong with me. I'm going to fight this (I'll fight it alone), because I want to see my boy get married one day (he's way too young now). You're a good fella.

Cheers,

Ryan.
 
Last edited:

Chip and Chase

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Ryan I'm no expert - but don't give up on seeking help. Trying to fight it alone does not seem to be the most sensible approach. Very brave of you to make this post and I hope your situation improves, as living with a mental health issue is tough - but there is so much more support and understanding out there these days that you'll find something that helps you I'm sure. I can speak from recent experience that dealing with suicide for those left behind is tough - so many questions, so many what ifs. If things get that bad again then call someone.... anyone. Post here and if I'm online I'll ring you back.

Focus on the positives. You've got a loving partner by your side and a young family. You say you've got a great job now - that's awesome. I'd love to wake up of a morning and want to go to work.

Look after yourself, and more importantly be kind to yourself. Admitting you need help takes a lot of guts, so good on you for reaching out. All the best with it.
 

MuzztheEagle

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@Ryan that's probably the most honest, heartfelt and bravest thing that I have ever read on this site. You're now my personal hero :)
I hope that each day gets a little easier for you and that you can start to see the light and the end of it all. I've definitely had my own problems and demons in the past (and still today) but the best thing I did was to learn that most people really do care about you - even when you think the opposite. And I'm sure that goes for every single member on here. If you ever need help or just someone to talk to, then we are all here for you :)
 

Ryan

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@Ryan that's probably the most honest, heartfelt and bravest thing that I have ever read on this site. You're now my personal hero :)
I hope that each day gets a little easier for you and that you can start to see the light and the end of it all. I've definitely had my own problems and demons in the past (and still today) but the best thing I did was to learn that most people really do care about you - even when you think the opposite. And I'm sure that goes for every single member on here. If you ever need help or just someone to talk to, then we are all here for you :)
Thanks mate
 

SeaEagleRock8

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Holy crap Ryan, I don't know what to say except I agree with C & C, keep trying different counsellors, they're certainly not all the same, but you don't need to deal with everything alone, indeed you may be surprised even at what this wonky online ST community means to many of us, so I echo the others comments too. I also agree with your thanks to Patorick, in fact in this culture of valuing the biggest most boofy and aggro footy players, you two have shown the most true manliness on here, so thank you too.
Funny thing, I got top level Sea eagles membership last year (doubled up this year, oh well never mind) but at one stage last year I think you mentioned where you sat and I looked around but of course even if you were near our seats I wasn't sure what you looked like. Pretty sure I did spot you once a few years earlier though riding a flash yellow motor cycle near a Manly game?
None of that matters anyhow, but, and this bit probably goes to everyone - don't hesitate to reach out at any time if you like, in these weird times of lockdowns and isolations the ability to communicate electronically will be massive and may just save many of us.So Go Manly and go ryan! And go Patorick :)
 

manlyfan76

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Ryan i hear you.
Your post has raised many feelings for me. I am immensely proud of you for posting your story in Patrick's thread. Wanting to reach out and not knowing how or being worried about how you will be recieved can be paralysing. The truth is i have been worried about you over the last years, especially after you posted about some head injuries combined with the losses your family has taken. I know from my own life that these things can increase depression. Im sure we have all heard about the trouble that concussion causes now.
While i dont "know" you other than on here im sure we all feel we know each other even just a little. One of the great things this community can offer when we get it right. I cant comprehend what you have gone through but you can be 100% sure ill never judge you or do anything but be honest and on the level with you.

I suffer from anxiety and used to get quite depressed, and at times i was severely depressed after personal trauma. i used to get bad episodes of anxiety where i would never answer the phone and hide if the doorbell rang, even when i knew who it was. The anxieties cost me jobs and relationships. I saught help several times from psychologists and have been lucky i suppose to have had some good ones ( esp one here on the gold coast) who have helped me understand myself. Dr. Michelle was the right person at the right time for me. Don't give up on seeking help. The fact that someone let you down speaks more about them than you.

I have also been on quite a spiritual journey, i was lucky to find a really good yoga teacher who unfortunately for me moved back to Newcastle. I found yoga to really help.
I also get a lot from Dr Joe Dispenza, Sadhguru and many others, id be happy to pass on what works for me. Your path will be your path, what works at one time for one person may or may not work for another at the point they are at on their journey. Science has progressed a lot on understanding the brain and how and why we think the way we do, i believe there is good help out there.

Please keep working out. It helps. ( i used to think of the gym as my friend, and tell ppl i was going to see a friend when going to the gym, because he was my only friend). As much as you find possible, try to make long term plans and think longer term. Reach out to people, on here or in real life, even if its just to talk footy.

Keep making YARTS.

Contact me anytime.
 

wombatgc

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Look into ISTDP Ryan. I am just about to start it myself. I have a new psychiatrist after a two year hiatus of "Iโ€™ll sort it out myself".....fail.
What youโ€™ve written, and also others, just makes me all the more determined to strive for a better way of life.
 

Ryan

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Look into ISTDP Ryan. I am just about to start it myself. I have a new psychiatrist after a two year hiatus of "Iโ€™ll sort it out myself".....fail.
What youโ€™ve written, and also others, just makes me all the more determined to strive for a better way of life.
Mate, I really hope you are well. I'm also glad that you are making positive change. Sorry you didn't get the "sorting yourself out" resolution you needed champion.

Guess I'm maybe in that mode / zone right now. I said to Kev today, for me, it's the fitness, diet (ate pizza last night tho), computer games, watching sports, music & audiobooks for the win. Basically anything to help myself social distance (not because of the virus - I was doing this well before) but so I don't have to interact with anyone.

Also said to Kev, its crazy the trials and tribulations people go through on a platform like this (we'd never know). I hope people have seen a true and real change in me the last year or two. Positive, supportive, empathy are the keys. That's just in CASE people are feeling the way I am.

I in no way , want to add to anyone's stress, anxiety or frustration(s). Everyone is a beautiful person in their own right (jesus, I'm starting to sound like @BOZO @:D ).

Love to hear how you go my friend, and this goes for anyone and everyone, if you ever need anyone to talk to, who will empathize, I'm happy to try my best :h:
 

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