THE PERFECT ****: Every once in a while each of us experiences a perfect ****. It's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting a smooth-sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet paper only to find it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it. On the other hand (so to speak) there is: The Beer ****: Talk about nasty ****s. Depending on the ****ter's tolerance, the beer **** is the result of too many beers. It could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy **** accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days. The Chilli ****: Hot when it goes in, rocket fuel when it leaves. The chilli **** stays with you all day, making your ass feel like a heat shield. The Cable ****: Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of telephone coaxial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "Did I do that? Where did it come from?" You leave the toilet pleased with yourself. The Empty Roll ****: You're done. you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains. no, someone would say, "where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug? Too cumbersome. Then you come to the same conclusion that every empty roll ****ter does. pull up your pants, tighten your ass and wiggle yourself to the nearest full roll. The Splash Back ****: You send the **** on its way; it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: blot instead of wipe. The Aborted ****: You're in mid **** when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off; go for the phone and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you've gotta do. The Caesarian ****: Pain, that's what this **** and childbirth have in common. It's a simple case of too much **** trying to get through too small a hole and there's no obstetrician to help. The Whole Roll ****: No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste. The Born Again ****: This is a **** that's going badly. You say, "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion". You always get through it, but don't keep the promises you made in desperation, because a born again **** is like childbirth -- you forget the pain quickly.