A quick joke thread

[mozgrame]

What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip!

Did you hear about the hearing impaired Mexican racist? He joined the que que que.

 

[mozgrame]

Sorry @Woodsie I forgot you were a Def Leppard fan.

 

[grassy]

My wife’s cooking is that bad that we usually pray after our food.

 

[grassy]

Holy Hell! I just got a photo through the mail from a speeding camera.I sent it straight back. Way too expensive and the quality was bad.

 

[Harvies elbow]

I got two.
Parramatta
And
Todd Greenberg....

 

[mozgrame]

My wife’s cooking is that bad that we usually pray after our food.

I ate out at a new restaurant the other night. The place is called Karma. There's no menu....you get what you deserve.

Steven Wright went to a new Italian place one night. It was called Bulimias. Nice atmosphere, but the line for the toilets was ridiculous.

 

[mozgrame]

A woman suffering badly during the onset of childbirth started shouting, couldn't...wouldn't...shouldn't...didn't......CAN'T!!!

The doctor said, "Don't worry...those are just contractions".

That one's for @Shoe1

 

[Eagle thru 'n' thru]

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?......."where's my tractor".
My young boys came up with that and think its funny.

What did one dog say to the other dog? "Woof".......or the alternative answer is "I don’t know because I don’t understand "woof".

 

[manlyfan76]

These pop make some funny clips.

 

[manlyfan76]

Dr. B at his best.

 

[grassy]

My wife came home with a dog. I looked down at the dog and said to the wife,”What sort of dog is that”? She said it’s a little “shih tzu”. I said I know that but what breed is it?

 

[manlyfan76]

William Shatner has his own line of women's intermit Apparel.
But it's not selling too well.
Could be the name.
Shatner Panties.

 

[grassy]

I have just found out that my wife has been lying to me. Every morning she tells me she is gonna leave me but when I get home from work she is still here.

 

[The better Robbo]

-Knock knock
who's there?
-Britney, Knock knock
Who's there?
-Oops i did it again

 

[eagle abroad]

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?' "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay, boys. He's one of us!"

 

[The Who]

I just returned from a trip to the USA. When I entered a bar in New Orleans I noticed a number of dogs taking up spaces.
I quizzed the bartender. "Is it normal for dogs in New Orleans to be allowed in bars". He replied: "They are only here for yappy hour."

 

[globaleagle]

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It's a conversation starter: "Ever seen a lion's egg?"

A conversation avoider: "Excuse me! Hot hot hot!"

A conversation ender: "Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!"

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

 

[grassy]

 

[grassy]

My wife’s cooking is that bad that we say our prayers after our meal.

 

[Chip and Chase]

A blonde policewoman is patrolling the highway when she sees a blonde motorist weaving in and out of traffic.

The cop pulls over the motorist and asks for her ID.

Policewoman: May I see your ID, ma'am?

Motorist: What's an ID?

Policewoman: It's a rectangle with a picture of your face on it.

The motorist digs around her purse and pulls out her make up mirror. She takes one look at it and hands it to the officer, "Here it is "

The policewoman takes it, thoroughly examines it, and hands it back to the motorist, saying:

"OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop too !"