My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and healthy. Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes - cause I now get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic. I no longer use Glad Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from - nor send packages by Australia Post or TNT since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda etc etc I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer have to buy Jamie Oliver cookbooks since I now have his entire back catalogue as a Microsoft Word document. I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. Thankyou for helping me learn that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. I feel great that I no longer need to ask my friends whether they prefer chocolate to vanilla ice cream since I have filled out 2,670 personality questionaires to learn that kind of trivia about my nearest and dearest. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program! Oh, and I no longer open humorous attachments or click on weblinks to protest about the fate of dolphins/petrol prices or the Iraqi War since my carelessness may cause a virus to replicate in my address book and infect the server, bombarding people with emails every 5 minutes. Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diahorrea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician. DO IT NOW OR ELSE!