By MALCOLM KNOX
The architects of rugby league's future are drawing up new club borders with the same wisdom as those imperial mandarins compelled by the neatness of situating Kurdistan within Turkey, Croatia within Yugoslavia, and Belfast within Britain.
One of the first rules of history - civil conflicts are the bloodiest, neighbours reserving a special ferocity for each other - is sometimes ignored in the interests of neatness and convenience.
League is going the same way, proposing such preposterous internecine marriages as Manly-Norths and Penrith-Parramatta.
The merger business carries a fundamental contradiction. It might be simpler to force neighbours into the one house but sporting neighbours would rather die than live together.
St George-Illawarra and Balmain-Wests were easy mergers. Neither are neighbours but the Saints would never merge with perfidious Cronulla, and Wests reserve too much hate and fear for Canterbury.
Norths and Manly - it'll all end in tears.
Doesn't the NRL understand how profoundly Norths and Manly hate each other? Think of how much everyone else hates Manly, and double it with each suburb as you near Brookvale.
This stuff tears families apart. I grew up as a lone Manly supporter in a den of Bears, and it was horrible, horrible. No matter how high on the ladder Manly were, or how low Norths, the local derby always seemed to end in an upset - mine.
Even when Norths could find ways to lose to any team, they could beat Manly. I still throw darts at a photograph of my brother poncing about in Norths jersey, socks, cap and scarf the day they beat us at Brookvale to stop us winning the minor premiership. My brother and I live 300 kilometres apart now, but our most common reason to telephone each other is to gloat at the other's club's misery.
I grew up an outcast in my own family. They dragged me to Bear Park, my grandfather reminiscing about stealing away from North Sydney Boys' High to watch Cecil Blinkhorn and Harold Horder in the Bears' premiership teams.
We'd sit on the hill squinting into the sun, seeing the Bears get trounced by Canterbury or Parramatta - but it didn't matter how badly they lost, when the PA announced that Manly were getting done at Brookvale, my family would rack it up as a victorious day.
Or, if Manly won, I could nurse it as a secret triumph for the brave individual over the bullying kin.
Could I support a team with Norths in it? Could my family follow a team with any colour, name or symbol associated with Manly? Impossible. Is there any natural affinity between the culture of the northern beaches and that of the North Shore? Is there any sympathy between the folks who've trudged along, defying weather and circumstance, to see Norths lose for 75 years, and the people who'll clear off to the beach at half-time if Manly are going down?
Does anyone think a merger could force Norths fans to forgive Manly for stealing Herman Hamilton, Johnnie Gray, Bruce Walker, Cliff Lyons? These map-drawers understand us as scantly as Whitehall and Versailles understood the Kurds and the Croats.
We may come from rugby union territory but league is the game. When I was at school, my mates and I played union but talked league, only league. Have things changed so much that everyone from Milsons Point to Woy Woy gets lumped into one club, or sacrificed to rugby union?
It'll all end in tears. My brother has already bought Bears gear for his toddler sons and would sooner barrack for the red-and-black Nabiac Bears in Group 27 than have anything to do with Manly. I imagine Parramatta and Penrith supporters have similar feelings.
One plus one, in this case, equals nothing. If we must die, merge us with anybody - with Souths, with Easts, goddamn it, with Brisbane - but please, not with our despised neighbours! The Northern Eagles? I have no club!
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