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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'General Discussion Forum' started by The Wheel, Feb 8, 2005.

  1. The Wheel

    The Wheel Well-Known Member

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    A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Ian. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little Ian says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

    To which Little Ian replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
     
  2. Volley

    Volley Well-Known Member

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    :lol: :lol: :lol: Nice!
     
  3. PJ

    PJ Well-Known Member

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    Nice one... this isn't a joke but something a quick witted kid came out with when I was DJing at a girls 21st Saturday night.
    I think the kid would have been about 7 years old and he came up and requested Shannon Noll- "Walk",
    I said to him are sure you don't mean "Drive" to which he replied "Shannon won't be driving anywhere mate"
    ....put in my place by a 7 year old
    (I didn't play it by the way due to it being a **** song)
     
  4. byso

    byso Well-Known Member

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    > ANGER MANAGEMENT
    >
    > When you occasionally have a bad day, and you just
    > need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on
    > someone you know. Take it out on a total stranger.
    >
    > The idea started out one day when I was sitting at my
    > desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to
    > make. I found the number and dialed it.
    >
    > A man answered, saying, "Hello" I politely said, "This is Chris, may I
    > speak to Robyn Carter?"
    >
    > Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me.
    >
    > I couldn't believe someone could be so rude.
    >
    > I tracked down Robyn's correct number and called her.
    > I had transposed the last two digits of her phone
    > number. When I hung up with Robyn, I decided to call
    > the 'wrong' number again.
    >
    > When the same fellow answered the call, I yelled "You're
    > an asshole" and hung up.
    >
    > I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next
    > to it and put it in my desk drawer.
    >
    > Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or
    > generally had a bad day, I would call him and yell,
    > "You're an asshole". It always cheered me up.
    >
    > When caller I.D. came to my area, I thought my
    > therapeutic 'Asshole' calling would have to stop.
    >
    > So I called his number and said, "Hi, I'm John Smith
    > from the telephone company. I'm just calling to see if
    > your interested in the caller I.D. program?"
    >
    > He yelled "No" and slammed the phone down.
    >
    > I quickly rang him back and said "that's because your
    > an Asshole!"
    >
    > One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into
    > a parking spot.
    >
    > Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the
    > spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled to him that I
    > had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For
    > Sale' sign in his car window and so I wrote down the number.
    >
    > A couple of days later, right after calling the first Asshole, (I now
    > had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW
    > asshole too.
    >
    > I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
    >
    > "Yes it is" came the reply.
    >
    > "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
    >
    > "Yes, I live at 1802 West, 34th Street. It is a yellow
    > house, and the car is parked right out in front".
    >
    > "What is your name?" I asked.
    >
    > "My name is Don Hansen" he replied.
    >
    > "When is a good time to catch you Don?"
    >
    > "I'm home every evening after five".
    >
    > "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
    >
    > "Yes?"
    >
    > "Don, your an asshole!" and hung up. Now when I have a
    > problem, I had two assholes to call.
    >
    > I put his number in the speed dial.
    >
    > I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.
    >
    > "Hello"
    >
    > "Your an asshole!" (but I did not hang up).
    >
    > "Are you still there?" he asked.
    >
    > "Yeah"
    >
    > "Stop calling me!" he screamed down the phone.
    >
    > "Make me"
    >
    > "Who are you?" he yelled.
    >
    > "My name is Don Hansen"
    >
    > "Yeah? Where do you live?"
    >
    > "Asshole, I live at 1802 West, 34th Street, yellow house, with my black
    > BMW parked out in front.
    >
    > He said, "I coming over right now. Don, you had better
    > start saying your prayers!"
    >
    > "Yeah, like I am really scared, asshole".
    >
    > Then I called asshole #2.
    >
    > "Hello", he said.
    >
    > "Hello asshole" I said.
    >
    > "If I ever find out who you are" he yelled.
    >
    > "You'll what?" I said.
    >
    > "I'll kick your butt so hard" he exclaimed.
    >
    > I answered, "Well asshole, here's your chance. I'm
    > coming over right now"
    >
    > Then I hung up and rang the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West,
    > 34th Street and that I was on the way over there to kill my gay lover.
    >
    > Then I hung up and rang Channel 3 about the drug gang
    > war that was in progress at 1802 West, 34th Street.
    >
    > Then I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th
    > Street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap of
    > each other in front of five squad cars, a police helicopter and a news
    > crew.
    >
    >
    > Now, I feel better.
    >
    > Anger Management that really works! Not recommended. Don't try this at
    > home. Have a nice day!
     
  5. Fluffy

    Fluffy Well-Known Member

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    Byso..... Your an ASSHOLE
     
  6. ManlyBacker

    ManlyBacker Winging it Staff Member

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    "Who wants some?!!!!" :evil: :evil: :lol:
     
  7. byso

    byso Well-Known Member

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    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  8. Hopium

    Hopium Member

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    >
    > >> A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,
    > >>
    > >> > "Please come over here and help me.
    > >> > I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,
    > >> > and I can't figure out how to get started."
    > >> > Her boyfriend asks,
    > >> > "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
    > >> > The blonde says,
    > >> > "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
    > >> > Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
    >
    > >> > him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
    > >> > table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
    > >> > then turns to her and says, First of all, no matter what we do,
    > >> > we're not going to be able > to
    > >> assemble > these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.
    > >> > "He takes her hand and says
    > >> > "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and
    > >> > then..... he said with a deep sigh"............
    > >> > "Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
     
  9. PJ

    PJ Well-Known Member

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    What's the difference between Mulari the Sri Lankan spinner and that chick Prince Charles is going to marry ?

    Camila Parker Bowls......
     
  10. PJ

    PJ Well-Known Member

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    this one you need to tell to someone .....

    " Did you here about that yanky actress that was brutally murdered this morning, that Reece Wither....Wither....Wither (at this point someone should say Witherspoon)

    A) no with a knife !
     
  11. Volley

    Volley Well-Known Member

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    Who's Mulari?

    It's pretty good even though he doesn't chuck.
     
  12. Dan

    Dan Administrator Staff Member Administrator 2016 Tipping Competitor

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    Santa was busy this christmas so when he passed thailand he only had time to give a wave....


    but seriously i was speaking to a friend who's dad owns a bar over in phuket, he said business is picking up now that the locals are drifting back in
     
  13. Fluffy

    Fluffy Well-Known Member

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    Doesnt now that they have changed the rules to fit him in - Did if he played for the previous 100 years, and for 500+ of his wickets.

    and people complain about things done for johns in league
     
  14. Hopium

    Hopium Member

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    OW... too soon for tsunami jokes, isn't it?
     
  15. PJ

    PJ Well-Known Member

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    Sorry was in a rush to put it through because the nosey receptionist here keeps ducking into my office and reading over my shoulder. (I agree he probably doesn't chuck as well)
     
  16. Dan

    Dan Administrator Staff Member Administrator 2016 Tipping Competitor

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    i said the same when i hear it. theres a 20 year rule on that. but had to share it
     
  17. Hopium

    Hopium Member

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    Ok then... as long as you admit that for the next few years, it's in bad taste... :roll: :lol:
     
  18. Dan

    Dan Administrator Staff Member Administrator 2016 Tipping Competitor

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    its definately in bad taste, somoen told meat the pub on friday night, and i said then it was too soon, but chuckled still.

    South park said it takes 20 years until something is funny. thats the whole Aids episode
     
  19. Hopium

    Hopium Member

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    Sometimes it takes longer... look at History of the World Part 1

    Or not as long...
     
  20. PJ

    PJ Well-Known Member

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    Are you talking about that Mel Brooks movie Hopium ? If so it was bloody funny especially the Chariot chase, the last supper and the human chess game- most people have never heard of "History of the World Part 1" when I mention it, which is unfortunate for them as it is a crack up !
     

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