Blokes rules....

[PJ]

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear the rules"from the female side, now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... These are all numbered "1"on purpose!
1. Men are not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, Don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what were thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that! It's like camping.

 

[Dan]

it is so like camping too. I love it, you get to watch telly too!

 

[Fluffy]

It's Great To Be A Man Because....

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3. You know stuff about tanks.

4. A five day holiday requires only one suitcase.

5. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.

6. Your toilet queues are 80% shorter.

7. You can open all your own jars.

8. Old friends don't give you damn if you've lost or gained weight.

9. Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.

10. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.

11. Your Arse is never a factor in a job interview.

12. All your orgasms are real.

13. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

14. Blokes in hockey masks don't attack you.

15. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

16. You can go to the loo without a support group.

17. Your last name stays put.

18. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

19. When your work is criticised, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

20. You can kill your own food.

21. The garage/shed is all yours.

22. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

23. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

24. You never have to clean the toilet.

25. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

26. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

27. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

28. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

29. Your underwear is 10 dollars for a three pack.

30. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

31. You don't have to shave below your neck.

32. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy Arse every night.

33. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.

34. You can write your name in the snow.

35. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

36. Everything on your face stays its original colour.

37. Chocolate is just another snack.

38. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

39. Flowers fix everything.

40. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

41. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

42. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

43. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

44. You can eat a banana in a DIY store without feeling embarrassed.

45. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

46. Foreplay is optional.

47. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

48. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.

49. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

50. You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader is coming by.

51. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

52. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

53. You don't give a rat's arse if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.

54. You can watch sport in silence with your mate for hours without even thinking "He must be mad at me".

55. The world is your urinal.

56. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean yourlover is about to leave you.

57. You get to jump up and slap stuff.

58. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

59. One mood, all the time.

60. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

61. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

62. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.

63. Same work....more pay.

64. Grey hair and wrinkles add character.

65. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

66. Wedding Dress $1000; Tux rental $100.

67. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.

68. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

69. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

70. The remote is yours and yours alone.

71. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

72. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

73. Stag nights kick ass over hen nights.

74. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

75. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

76. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the toilet.

77. If you don't call your mate when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.

78. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

79. You can rationalise any behavior with the handy phrase "**** it!"

80. If another bloke shows up at a party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong friends.

81. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

82. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.

83. You think the idea of drop-kicking a small dog is funny.

84. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

85. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

86. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

87. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

88. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them



10 Ways To Be The Funny Guy At Work

10. Keep telling the same person they have bad breath even if they don't, and then punch them in the face.

9. Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. After everyone gives you the sympathy remarks, tell everyone how you were just kidding and tell them that they are all a bunch of ****ing queers.

8. Before a meeting, fill your mouth with custard. Then during the meeting, put one finger in the air and make a noise like you are hocking up a loogie. Then spit the custard into a glass and hand it
to the person next to you and say, "Beat that."

7. Inform a male co-worker that he "wouldn't make a good hooker." Then piss in his coffee and tell him that he needs a good ass ****ing.

6. Always walk around with a big smile on your face and keep one hand down your pants.

5. Answer every question asked to you with "****'d if I know" call the person a racial slur that doesn't even correspond to their actual race.

4. Brag about the fact that you own a gun, and keep playing with your nuts. Get them all sweaty, and then walk around shaking everyone's hands.

3. **** on the floor in your office and when someone comes in and sees it, tell them it is the fake plastic kind. When they try to pick it up, and realize their hand is covered in ****, laugh and point at them and call them a ****ing asshole.

2. Run down the hall with your dick out while pissing all over and Yell, "It won't stop! Help me!" Then when it stops, look down and say, Oh."

1. Ask to borrow someone's pen. Bring it into the bathroom and stick it in your ass. Take it back to the person you borrowed from and ask them to smell. When they tell you that it smells bad, tell them, "It should. I had it in my ass."


International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella

2: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly
optional.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never, ever ask who's
playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel..and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an
Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever

 

[Nutzcraw]

Those "how to be funny at work" ones are absolute gold.. i was pissing myself