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Another ammusing email ->

Discussion in 'General Discussion Forum' started by Dan, Mar 1, 2005.

  1. Dan

    Dan Administrator Staff Member Administrator 2016 Tipping Competitor

    Amsterdam, The Netherlands
    +5,435 / 74
    Recently, John Cleese read this out to an audience in America.

    >To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your

    >failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern

    >yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
    independence, effective today.
    >Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
    over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
    >Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
    >Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
    97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
    outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the
    need for further elections.
    >Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
    >A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any
    of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
    the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
    >1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
    Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
    amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
    >The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and

    >'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on

    >your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
    skipping half the letters.

    >You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not
    'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
    >You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
    >Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you
    can't cope with correct pronunciation.

    Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look
    up "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with
    filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable
    >inefficient form of communication.

    Look up "interspersed."
    There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not
    old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.
    >When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use
    bad language as often.

    2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
    your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
    account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
    It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
    upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
    You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents ---

    >dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
    >While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such
    place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If
    you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become
    "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
    good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play

    >English characters.

    British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not Be
    re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't
    Cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
    >5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
    Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
    to get confused and give up half way through.
    >6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind
    of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
    game.The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
    borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
    will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper

    Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
    difficultgame. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
    play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
    involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
    body armour like nancies).We are hoping to get together at least a US
    Rugby sevens side by 2005.

    You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
    called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
    >America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
    your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you
    will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is
    baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or

    7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
    longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than
    >vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to

    >handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you
    wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
    >national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for
    your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
    All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
    driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
    metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
    Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
    of humour.
    >10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French
    fries'are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
    >97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe)
    are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on
    calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick
    cut andfried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is
    beer which should be served warm and flat.
    Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
    >11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
    all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to
    >doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
    12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not
    actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British
    Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and
    accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances
    formerly known as

    "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's
    Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser
    companywhose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's
    This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years
    in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
    13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as
    you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices
    with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the
    former USA andthe Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices
    (roughly $6/US

    >gallon -- get used to it).
    >14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
    lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
    therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
    should only be handledby adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
    things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're
    not grown up enough to handle a gun.
    15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
    16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
    shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to
    >Thank you for your co-operation.
  2. Hopium

    Hopium Member

    +0 / 0
    John Cleese is a god.

    btw...d id you know Daphne from Frasier was in Meaning of life (one of the angels with plastic boobs)?

    And the red dwarf usa pilot was appaling... not funny at all. They actually made Lister handsome!! Pity cause the original is soooooo damn good.
  3. Stevie

    Stevie Active Member

    +60 / 0
    She was Also On THe Benny Hill Show
  4. Hopium

    Hopium Member

    +0 / 0
    She be gorgeous, eh?
  5. Fluffy

    Fluffy Well-Known Member

    +3,441 / 125
    The lister they cast turned down the role of Joey in friends - genious

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